Month: April 2017

Staff Writer Jay Mullet – It’s that time of year again. You would have to be deaf not to have noticed the noise. Yes it’s Bike Week again, and I know I’m not alone in my disgust of this travesty. I know that when I think about this idyllic, serene, natural beauty we call the Outer Banks, I think of a bunch of leather clad dudes riding motorcycles. One does not need a masters degree in Branding to see how at odds biker culture is from the OBX. I know you might not believe me, but I am an expert on things like this, and I can tell you with authority that this all started under Obama. I call it the Colingtonification of the Outer Banks.

I can’t help my confusion when I see that some of the local businesses have even stooped to catering to these people with their “welcome bikers” signs. I don’t see them putting up “welcome families” or “welcome wholesome people” signs during the rest of the year! If I see a business with a sign welcoming in these bikers, I take my business elsewhere. Unfortunately you can’t seem to escape the two wheeled crowd this weekend. Of course they have been spotted in the types of bars you would expect them in (you know the ones), but I had to wait five minutes behind a ruffian to get my order in at the bagel shop this morning.

There are a number of other ways the Harley crowd doesn’t fit in down here. Bikers are constantly packing into bars for the sake of listening to metal and consuming ridiculous amounts of alcohol. On the Outer Banks, we do nothing of the sort. Sure my wife and I enjoy having a glass of wine or four at any of the fine dining establishments in Duck or Southern Shores, but we aren’t doing it to get drunk. The inebriation is a classy side effect of good taste in wine.

The worst part is the damn noise. This is something even my best friend and libtarded bird watcher, Lyonald Greer, would agree on. I don’t care that it is scaring off the stupid birds, but I do care that it is interrupting my round of golf. I just want to be able to ride around with my buddies and drink some beers and have a good time. Bikers wouldn’t know anything about that. All they do is rev up their engines while i’m in my back swing.

Thank god the big party is in Currituck this year. If they tried to bring a concert like that to our island, I think we would sink from embarrassment. It fits in much nicer with the monster truck, mud bog types you know. Well maybe it would fit in in Colington, and soon enough Corolla. Mark my words, as soon as they build that bridge every degenerate from Chesapeake to Chockawinaty will flow into Corolla turning it into another Virgina Beach or worse, Ocean City. Then us poor and upstanding Duckians and Southern Shoresistanians will be surrounded on three sides, just like Obama wanted.

Turtle enthusiasts have long debated​ about what is the best food for their pets. Do Red-Eared Sliders prefer lettuce or carrots? Should you give your Eastern Box Turtle kale or snap beans? Dr. Elize Segar, a professor of Herpetology at ​the College of the Albemarle, refuses to be drawn into the preference debate, but he does warn turtle owners about one food they should not to feed their hard-shelled friends: spinach.

“​Spinach dramatically affects ​a turtle’s metabolism,” said Dr. Segar. “It causes a rapid increase in respiration​ and ​heart rate and triggers a continuous adrenal dump into the​ animal’s bloodstream.”

Dr. Segar said turtles fed spinach gain incredible temporary strength and are able to shatter the glass sides of terrariums, lift other household pets many times their size, and leap several feet in the air.

“This is not a lethal threat with our local box and Slider turtles,” said Dr. Segar. “The most a Yellow Belly Slider is going to do to you on Spinach is break a few bones, but can you imagine the damage a giant Loggerhead might cause? They weigh over 800 pounds. That would be like three John Cena’s landing on you from the top of the turnbuckle all at the same time. Serious injury would be inevitable; death very likely.”

In response, Kill Devil Hills has instituted a no spinach policy at their turtle pond, and hired a retired drug canine as a spinach sniffing dog to make sure the park goers are not holding this dangerous leaf. So far there have been no attempts at turtle doping, but the dog seems very interested in the guys at the skate park.

Turtles inadvertently fed spinach should be placed in a quiet environment where they will not be easily startled or incited to violence. The metabolic effects from the spinach can last anywhere from 5 minutes to several hours. Dr. Segar said his team is studying various remedies to spinach consumption and has found some promise in a olive oil based topical cream.

Southern Shores – Driving along US 158 in Dare County the perceptive visitor might notice the area boasts a remarkable number of churches. From the Holy Redeemer Catholic Church in Kitty Hawk to the United Methodist Church in Hatteras, there are over two dozen houses of worship dotting the island. And until last Thursday, they all represented branches or denominations of Christianity.

Thursday witnessed the grand opening of the Temple of the Jedi Order of Southern Shores. Yes, the Jedi are a real religion. They have their own symbols, tenants and Wikipedia page. Since 2001, when people first began recording their religion as “Jedi” on the U.S. Census, the movement has steadily grown and in 2010 the Jedi now represent a whopping 62% of religious adherents in Dare County (see chart).

The Master of the Jedi Temple, OBX-wan Kenobi, offered his insight on why the Jedi Faith has suddenly become so popular:

“We stand for goodness, protect the weak, believe in the sanctity of all life, support the ban on plastic bags, and we don’t discriminate. I mean, any being can become a Jedi You think we care if are gay or straight? Heck, the Ophrys of Apifera Prime are hyper-intelligent self-pollinating plants and dozens of them are Jedi! The other thing is we don’t tithe. Heck, we don’t even pass the plate in our assemblies. We’re the best bargain in the faith community by a parsec.”

For the most part, the Temple’s new neighbors have been “cautiously welcoming” of the Jedi. Many, such as Mayor/Crooner Tony Bennett, see the benefits of having lightsaber wielding defenders of justice as part of the community. He noted that, as opposed to other religious institutions which are “taxbase freeloaders who have never been welcome in Southern Shores” the Jedi Temple will save Southern Shores money.

“They’re going to take care of all the law and order issues, so we won’t need to pay for a police force anymore,” said Bennett. “And after Master Kenobi negotiated with the CEO of Great Lakes Dredge and Dock we got a fantastic offer for our beach nourishment project. It’s win-win for our citizens.”

Others, such as resident Gary Loracs, like that the Jedi have a deep appreciation for nature and feel they will have a positive influence on the weak minded town council members who Loracs described as “anti-tree.”

But not everyone is so sanguine about the arrival of the Jedi. Darth Midgett, Southern Shores most famous curmudgeon, was outspoken about the Jedi and the Jedi Temple in a recent Facebook rant. He described the Jedi as “space snowflakes” who refuse to accept that “the Dark Side is the only way.”

The Jedi Temple is open to visitors from 11:00 a.m. to 11:00 p.m. and welcomes the public to come and learn more about their Order.