Month: April 2020

Dare County resident Flora “Flor” Umphlett is enjoying a newfound acceptance in the community after years of feeling like she did not fit in. She often felt that neighbors shunned her for behaviors that one therapist labeled as “disorders.”

“I used to watch shows like ‘Hoarders’ that seemed to be judging me and my way of life,” Umphlett said in a Facetime interview. “But I just like to be prepared; I have MRE’s for at least six months for me, Trey, and the four kids, for example. I also have ten gallons of peanut butter, ten country hams, twenty cases of assorted canned goods, and fifty-pound bags of rice and beans.”

What has changed Umphlett’s standing in the eyes of her neighbors, though, is the stockpile of 1027 jumbo rolls of toilet paper that she has stored in what she calls “Apocalypse Central.” This spacious underground bunker contains foodstuffs, personal protection equipment, toiletries such as soap and shampoo, and the aforementioned bathroom tissue.

“Our shelter is bigger than most houses around here, to be honest, and to put a space that large underground when you hit the water table only two feet down, well, you have to be committed,” Umphlett said. “But we have food, water, and all the toilet paper we will ever need. So all the people who used to laugh at me behind my back suddenly want to be my best friends. Well, they can wipe their ***es with leaves, for all I care.”

Humphlett’s other purported disorder is germophobia. Her compulsive hand-washing, jugs of hand sanitizer in every room, and tendency to don gloves, mask, gown, and goggles whenever somebody came to the door–never through it–made many people feel uncomfortable, and her doctor even attempted to put her on medication.

“They called me the crazy germ woman,” Umphlett said. “I know they used to make fun of my personal protective equipment, but tell me this: Who‘s laughing now? Now I’m not a “germophobe.” I am a role model. I have enough vinyl gloves and N95 masks to protect the whole county–and no, I’m not turning them in to the deep state, because if you snooze you lose.”

Also enjoying a feeling of vindication is her husband Trey “Tigger” Umphlett. Trey had been viewed as somewhat of a “gun nut” since high school, but his collection of several dozen rifles, shotguns, and handguns is now the envy of the community. While none of the guns are fully automatic “as far as they know” according to Trey, this arsenal has been reassessed and is now considered a prudent self-defense measure by his neighbors. Jeremy “Sticks” Pledger, sharing a cul-de-sac with the Umphletts, now wishes he had bought a few guns before all this started.

“Yeah, I’ll admit I always thought he was going to end up in a David Koresh Branch Davidian kind of situation, but now, well, I’d rather be pointing the gun than having it pointed at me,” Pledger said. “I’m trying to get in good with him, so at least I will be behind the lines if things really go sideways.”

Florence Umphlett, sitting in the expansive home entertainment center in her bunker during the online interview, sums up the situation with a sigh, what might be a satisfied smile under the large mask, and a statement of personal philosophy.

“What comes around, goes around. The shoe is on the other foot. A stitch in time saves nine. Yep.”

Manteo, NC – A resident of Manteo is claiming to have a photo proving the rumor spreading around that the Governor of Virginia violated his own stay at home order to secretly fly an aircraft to the Outer Banks, to stay in his vacation home. The photo clearly shows the governor in a disguise he has used in the past, walking the docks of Pirate’s Cove, the neighborhood where his cottage is located. The Governor claims these rumors are false, but has yet to provide photo evidence of him not being in Manteo.

The local providing the photo wished to remain unnamed, but had a convincing story. “Well a cop who doesn’t want to be named, told me that he heard from his wife who wishes to be unnamed that Dale at the jetski store, who wishes to be unnamed, sold him a part for his jetski. So I had to go see it for mah self. I drove over there and I saw him walking the docks in that disguise and snapped this picture. He saw me do it and come up to me and said his name was ‘Ray’ and he was looking for some trees to celebrate the occasion of it being 4/20. I told him we don’t do that down here. We celebrate freedom, and he could take that hippy stuff back to Virginia where it belongs. He looked disappointed that I saw through his facade and quickly ran back to his house. Next thing I know I checked the waistband of my sweatpants and my .38 is gone! I said, ‘Jim, he done got ya.’ He swiped my concealed carry! I keep warning people about this guy, but they don’t listen.”

The Governor’s people had no comment because we didn’t contact them, but will most definitely claim the evidence is a photo manipulation. Locals on the other hand will believe what they want to believe despite all evidence to the contrary. The reader will have to decide which is more believable: A Governor leaving his state in the middle of a crisis to go fishing, even though it was against the law and would look terrible if anyone found out, or the local rumor mill concocted another false accusation against an outsider and people ate it up because it made someone they don’t like look bad. Or is it that a guy who got away with wearing blackface to go on to be Governor thinks that he can get away with a quick fishing trip. Or that a guy who was a doctor could afford some SUVs to sit at his vacation house for use while he is on vacation. Or is it that his neighbor said they park their extra cars in his driveway while he isn’t there, and let him use them when they come down? With so many answers everyone is free to pick which ever one they want to believe, and post about it on the internet.

Kitty Hawk – Tired of being kept from their dream Quarencation, a number of people who don’t belong here are finding ways onto the Island. Since police have arrested the ring leader of the local Under Trunk Rail Road, Harriet Baum, NRPOs have been seeking a new route onto the island. With the boat ramps swarming with LEOs, a new cottage industry has arisen of creative means of transport across the Currituck sound.

A number of dirigibles were seen taking advantage of the westerly wind yesterday as well as a fair amount of makeshift aircraft. The number of air attempts dwindled after local duck hunters began peppering the balloons. The local anti aircraft batteries may have stop the airborne attempts, but not the surface based.

“I have sold 15 of those goofy bikes with the floaty wheels in the past hour,” said Henry Pines of Currituck Water Rentals, “Usually nobody wants to rent those things, but for some reason they are real popular right now. Also, no one is returning my jet skis.”

“Where there is a will there is a way,” said a the local Sheriff who wish to remain unnamed, “We tell them they can’t come in, but they didn’t get second houses by being lazy.”

“BUT I PAY TAXES TOO! I PAY YOUR SALARY! YOU HEAR ME YOU NAZI? I OWN YOU, LET ME ON MY ISLAND RIGHT NOW!” shouted a New Jersey NRPO from his Salt Life emblazoned Excursion at an officer administering the road block. “I’M JUST AS IMPORTANT AS THE LOCALS. I HAVE BEEN VACATIONING DOWN HERE MY WHOLE LIFE! THAT MEANS I’M JUST AS ENTITLED TO BE ON THIS ISLAND AS YOU LOCALS. MORE IMPORTANT BECAUSE I PAY MORE TAXES AND SPEND MORE MONEY SO I DESERVE TO BE HERE MORE THAN YOU!”

Other Non Resident Property Owners were calmer, but no more rational in their approach. “I own the house, so I own the right to use the house. I mean it’s not like there has ever been a time of emergency when they prevented me from crossing the bridge. I know I have been told to stay home, and there is no medical care if I catch the virus, and I could be bringing the virus to the people that live here, but there is a beach and I want to put my toes in the sand.”