New KDH Flag warns beachgoers of ornery locals on day off

Kill Devil Hills, NC – After a number of incidents involving vacationers and agitated locals, lifeguards have a new tool at their disposal. Similar to the turtle nest signs that warn tourists to stay away, these flags will be placed near off work locals enjoying the beach. 

“This should help with the accidental encounters,” said chief lifeguard Marshal Chase, “stopping problems before they start is our policy!”

“I had to jump in and pull a visitor out the other day,” said junior lifeguard June Jones, “The local was savagely telling them about how things used to be down here. It looked brutal. He kept talking about the Pit on ‘Mug Night’. That was my third rescue that day. I’m really glad we have those flags now. No one wants their vacation ruined by an unfortunate interaction with a local.”

“If you are accosted by a local, the correct response is to run. They locals are tired and will probably not give chase in the sand,” said head of Ocean Rescue Person Anne Wann, “If in the rare chance they do chase you, the proper thing to do is to curl into a ball and cover your ears, so you can’t hear them tell you how much better September is.”

The number of tourist and local interactions has remained relatively the same, but the intensity and danger to tourists has risen dramatically. Experts are pointing to a number of stressors on the usually docile locals. First their habitat is critically endangered with encroachment on all sides from AirBnB to wealthy transplant retirees. Secondly the pandemic has turned their already stressful feasting season into a living nightmare. Third is a new species of aggressive invasive visitors, Asholicus Virginisylvanicus, better known as the Covidcationer are eliciting fight or flight responses in the locals. Also their favorite watering holes have been shuttered in the name of safety, alas limiting their mating prospects and peer-group bonding.

“Just like we don’t call them shark attacks because you are swimming in the sharks habitat, I like to remind people when you are on the beach you are in the locals’ domain,” Local expert, Lyonald Greer shared, “They don’t just magically disappear after they serve you food and clean your house. They need to have a good time to, but you probably want to keep your distance. Don’t get me wrong, It is still safe to go to the beach. You are much more likely to be attacked by a shark than you are to be verbally redressed by a local.”