Month: June 2019

A bear from Currituck swam across the sound this month in search of adventure and better trash cans. In bear culture there have long been legends of the food Northern Outer Banks people throw away, but few bears make the journey. One brave bear dared to make the trek only to find out that legends aren’t always as described. We sat down for a chat at a local coffee shop to see how he was doing.

Bear: “Don’t get me wrong, the trash is amazing and hardly protected. It is everything I dreamed of, but I just can’t find a 3 bedroom for under 1600 a month. I don’t have that kind of scratch. Being a bear doesn’t pay much. I couldn’t afford that even with a roommate or two. I’m not going to live like those coyotes who pack 4 families into a house. I will just take my furry butt back across the sound to where no one would want an AirBnB.”

Report: “What will you tell the other bears.”

Bear: “I will tell them the truth. This place is wonderful, but soon you won’t be able to live here if you work here. Mark my words, soon instead of OBX locals worried about Currituck bears moving into their neighborhood, it will be us bears making room for y’all on the mainland.”

A visitor to the popular seafood restaurant, “I Got Your STD’s” caused quite a stir yesterday by making patrons and staff at the restaurant disappear in a cloud of dust. The man was identified by police simply as “Thanos” from Pennsylvania. 

“I was in a hurry and snapped my fingers to get the attention of the wait staff for the check,” Thanos said. “Ooops.”

Thanos was booked at the Dare County Detention Center under a $300,000 bond. 

Joel Copeland, the owner of I Got Your STD’s, told the OBX Report, “This situation has me totally upset. Do you know how hard it is to get help during the summer? And all those tabs that didn’t get paid? Worst of all that creep left a one-star review on Yelp for our ‘slow service.’”

The Dare County Board of Commissioners presented Marjorie Russell with their first annual “Superlative Driver Award” for her contributions on social media in improving general traffic safety. This is the fourth citizen’s award the Commissioners have made up out of thin air this year, following such awards as  “Gnarliest Phone Case Stickers” and “Paper Towel Roll Replacement Citizen of the Year.”

Ms. Russell was presented the Superlative Driver Award by High Commissioner Robin “Rob” Woodpecker who said, “We thank Ms. Russell for her tireless efforts to point out the poor driving habits of other motorists. She has become a reliable early warning system for everything from tourists driving five miles per hour under the speed limit to improper use of the turn lane. Ms. Russell’s daily, nay, hourly, mission puts her in harm’s way on a regular basis, but she does it for us to make us all safer.”

Ms. Russell began posting her observations of other driver’s bad behavior back when she joined Facebook in 2016. She has raised her online presence by starting a Twitter account this year which allows her 32 followers instant access to her notes and warnings.

In accepting the award, Ms. Russell read from a list of her most popular posts of all time based on “likes.”

There’s some idiot at the Kitty Hawk Road traffic light with his turn signal on BUT HE’S NOT IN THE TURN LANE!!! SOMEBODY COULD GET KILLED!!! – (6 likes)

Watch out friends!!! Little Miss LAWBREAKER didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign at E. Bladen Street. SHE COULD HAVE KILLED SOMEBODY! – (4 likes)

If you’re on the Basnight Bridge WATCH OUT!!! There’s some MORON in a blue pickup truck NOT wearing his seatbelt. HOPE HE DOESN’T FLY THROUGH THE WINDSHIELD AND KILL SOMEBODY!!! – (2 likes)

Ms. Russell will be the keynote speaker at the upcoming Bicycle and Pedestrian Safety Committee in July.

Duck, NC – Big Game hunter and Duck oceanfront property owner Tess Talley rarely misses what she aims for.

Using her trusty .50 caliber Barrett sniper rifle with laser sights and GPS triangulation, Talley has hunted giraffes, antelope, pangolins and manatee across around the globe from the safety of her designer portable steel and concrete bunker. But a local juvenile osprey has managed to evade the self-proclaimed “Mistress of Murder” and she is one unhappy camper.

“It’s one of the most disappointing moments of my life,” Talley said while standing on top of a pile of local wildlife slain earlier in the day. “That dumb bird was sitting perfectly still in its nest. I had the shot lined up and at the last second one of those damn marsh mosquitoes flew right up my nose.”

Talley’s bullet shattered the wood frame structure of the nest, sending small bits of shrapnel into the osprey. The bird was wounded but survived.

“Honestly, I just thought it would bleed out and I certainly wasn’t going to waste another bullet. But then some jackass in an SPCA jacket comes running out there and scoops the thing up and carries it off.”

Talley said she’ll wait for the bird to heal up before trying to kill it again.

“I mean, I’m a sportswoman. Fair is fair,” she said.

Duck, NC – In an effort to thwart a rash of trespassing crimes against Duck’s oceanside property owners, the Duck Police Department has deployed adhesive “tourist traps” along private beach accesses throughout the town. The traps snare unsuspecting tourists when they violate the law while accessing the beach. Duck Police Chief QewDiePie said the traps are also 78.12% effective against trespassing locals.

“Duck’s beaches are public up to the high water mark; access to them is not,” said Duck homeowner Jared Carson. “We pay a lot of money to keep the riff raff out. I’m pleased our police department has taken steps to eliminate this ongoing threat to our privacy.”

The traps hang from 12 foot scaffolds and are made from a ten foot polycarbonate sheet coated with an industrial strength adhesive. A few inches of skin contact is all that is necessary to trap the unsuspecting trespasser. Struggling only envelops the lawbreaker more completely and ensures they aren’t going anywhere until the police arrive.

“As long as they don’t get their faces covered and suffocate themselves, we can get them free with a little WD-40,” said Chief QewDiePie. “After a week in the slammer and a few showers with Bubba most seem to learn their lesson. We aren’t seeing a lot of recidivism.”

When asked if the traps had managed to snare Duck Private Trespassing Enemy No. 1, Robert Hobiecat, Chief QewDiePie admitted the outlaw had thus far managed to evade capture

“But,” he added, “It’s only a matter of time before he shows up stoned out of his mind, not quite on his game, and gets snared. In the meantime, if anyone sees Mr. Hobiecat in the village of Duck I encourage them to call 911.”

Another stick of dynamite was tossed on the bonfire of controversy surrounding the proposed construction of a new 18 story hotel in Hatteras Village when it was announced today that the hotel would be named “The Basnight” after former State Senator Marc Basnight.

SAGA Construction, the company which purchased the Sea Gull Motel property where the new Basnight Motel would be built, has petitioned Dare County to allow a variance in the building code restricting the height of developments. At 18 stories, the proposed Basnight Hotel would be the tallest building on North Carolina’s eastern seaboard, surpassing the current tallest building, the PPD Construction headquarters in Wilmington, by a whopping 6 stories.

Andy Anderson, a spokesperson for SAGA, told the OBX Report that the company chose to go with the Basnight name after the Bonner Bridge replacement was named after the former 13-term state senator.

“We saw how quickly the bridge was approved after a secret agreement was made to name it after Sen. Basnight. We’re hoping that naming our hotel after Sen. Basnight will have a similar, red-tape cutting effect.”

Mr. Anderson said that the hotel would be topped with a first order Fresnel lens to aid with navigation in the area, adding, “That would open up SAGA’s long term goal of purchasing the Hatteras lighthouse to remodel as a bed-and-breakfast.”

Making the best of a bad situation has long been a trait valued by residents of the Outer Banks, and a new local business is doing just that. OBAXess noticed that the local demand for admittance to the public beaches in Duck had long been stymied by the lack of any beach access points that would allow locals to use the beaches that they help to pay for. Luckily, Grayson “Gray” Dough-Umphlett happened to be in possession of several aquatic landing craft left over from World War II that had been slowly decaying in a shipyard in Newport News.

Gray states: “Well, if you can’t get to the beach by land, I figure your only options are by air or by sea. I don’t own any helicopters, but I been trying to find some use for those old war surplus landing craft for years. It’s a win-win, as far as I’m concerned. I can plop the locals right down on the beach, and there ain’t nothin’ those homeowners associations can do about it.”

Dough-Umphlett is quick to point out, though, that he welcomes tourists as well: “Far as I’m concerned, the more rowdy teenagers, tattooed hipsters, and screaming kids we dump on Duck beaches, the better.”

Service from the Southern Shores Hillcrest Drive beach access is available seven days a week, approximately every hour on the hour from 8:00 AM to 5:00 PM. Fares are $8/person or $35 for a family or other group of five.

North Carolina’s days as the “Tar Heel State” may be coming to an end if petroleum giant ExxonMobile’s plans to introduce sand fracturing, commonly known as “sakking,” are approved by the General Assembly.

That dark colored sand seen while walking along the beach comes primarily from oil that has either escaped naturally from the under the sea floor or is the result of spills and leak from oil tankers. While the stuff is spread over a large area and does not form the unsightly “tar balls” common on the “Gross Coasts” of Louisiana, Florida and Texas, there is still plenty of it along Dare County’s beaches.

In 2015, sensing a sea of profits right under their feet, researchers with ExxonMobile developed sand fracturing as a method to remove oil trapped in beach sand. It is generally considered a safe by people who don’t actually live at the beach. The upsides of sakking are that the process leaves behind pristine beaches, provides much needed energy independence from Canada and creates jobs. The downside is that some of the components needed to create the sakking separation enzyme (E-88) are controversial, none more so than the main ingredient of intraocular fluid from dolphins.

“Intraocular fluid, or as most people would call it ‘eyeball juice’ is vital to the production of E-88, which we use to separate the oil from the sand,” explained ExxonMobile chief vivisectionist, Dr. Harold Shipman. “Fortunately, as dolphins primarily rely on sonar to hunt and mate, they are not terribly inconvenienced by losing their sight. The extraction process is minimally painful.”

Presently sakking is not permitted in North Carolina. The legislature narrowly failed to override Governor Roy Cooper’s veto of a bill that would allow sand fracturing operations to begin this year. Dare County residents are regionally split on the proposal with near universal disapproval south of the Duck/Southern Shores town line and near unanimous approbation in Duck itself.

“I don’t see a problem with it,” said Mrs. Teresa Applemann of the Port Trinitie subdivision in Duck. “Heck, once they do that sonar thing looking for oil offshore there are going to be plenty of dead dolphins floating around in the ocean. Why let them go to waste?”

Matt Stalker with the Nerfherder’s Association has a different, well-reasoned view.

“I can’t believe we’re having this conversation again. E-88 has caused rectal cancer in 78% of lab mice exposed to it. Using it on our beaches would kill our billion-dollar a year tourist industry. Sakking would only provide enough energy to meet this country’s needs for 9 ½ weeks. Meanwhile, you’d have to harvest the eyes of over one million bottlenose dolphins to produce enough E-88 to extract that oil. It would decimate the population leading to a total collapse of the ecosystem within 10 years.”

Dr. Shipman said Mr. Stalker’s statements were based on “fake news” and derided him as an “AOC loving socialist” on Twitter.

“Clearly the public debate is over and, as usual, I have won,” said Dr. Shipman.