Ken Ham, the controversial Christian literalist who preaches that the earth is only 7,000 years old and that cowboys rode dinosaurs, is coming to town. In 2016, Ham’s lifelong dream of building a life-sized version of Noah’s Ark was realized with the completion of the Ark Encounter theme park in Grant County, Kentucky. The flood of visitors paying $40.00 a head to find out everything they learned in public school was wrong never arrived and the enterprise has been a spectacular financial failure.
Undaunted, Ham has found a new use for his Ark, which at 300 cubits is the largest timber structure in the world and is believed to have single-handedly contributed to a 1 degree rise in global temperature due to the number of trees felled in its construction. Having observed the copious amount of rain the Outer Banks has received over the past 30 days, Ham believe we may be on the precipice of another flood of Biblical proportions. He has offered to move his Ark to the top of Jockey’s Ridge which, he feels, will give people enough time to round up two of the approximately 8.7 million species of animals on Earth to fill the Ark. Just like last time, the plants, Ham said, will have to fend for themselves.
Reactions to the proposal have been met with mixed responses from both the public and Nags Head officials. Speaking off the record, a Nags Head commissioner said while he appreciated the need to plan ahead for certain catastrophic events, he felt it was “more likely that (expletive) Jennette’s Pier will be hit by a North (expletive) Korean tactical nuke than another (expletive) flood event was occurring.”
Jay Fidgett of Southern Shores, a frequent visitor to Nags Head, thinks Ham might be onto something.
“Oh, God’s wrath is upon us. I blame the gays mostly, of course, but I don’t think he’s happy with surf and turf being served at Mulligans. That’s violating Leviticus (11:10-12). I’ll be first in line to buy a ticket to on the Ark.”
The Nags Head Commissioners will vote on Mr. Ham’s proposal at their next meeting.
By the time the Town of Nags Head issues the permits and makes sure they conform to the Building inspector’s incessant demands, my advise to all concerned. Learn to swim.
It will certainly encourage tourism.
Thanks for the humor, we surely need it!