The owner of the popular Outer Banks snack shop “Got Your Nuts”, Charles Xavier (no relation), has seen his 25 year battle for justice end in a 4-4 decision at the United States Supreme Court. This means the 4th Circuit Court’s decision against Nags Head resident Charles Xavier (no relation) will stand and Xavier’s crusade against the OBX brand has come to an end.
“I have no words,” Xavier said in a press conference held Thursday from his carport. “Well, I do have words, obviously, I am using them. But I don’t understand the Court’s decision. It’s judicial inactivisim and it’s just wrong.”
Xavier’s fight began in 1991 shortly after Kurt Douglas (no relation) launched the soon-to-be-iconic “OBX” logo that has become a staple of Outer Banks’ merchandise everywhere. Xavier took exception to the “X” in “OBX” claiming in a pro se lawsuit that the “X” was a violation of his 1st, 2nd, 21st and 28th Amendment rights.
Xavier argument is familiar to judges from the Albemarle Sound to the Potomac. “What’s the ‘X’ for? It doesn’t make any sense. There’s no “X” anywhere in the words ‘Outer Banks’. It stand for nothing and everyone knows if you stand for nothing you fall for anything.”
In an unusual split across political lines, Justices Thomas, Roberts, Kagan and Ginsburg and all voted to retain the “X” while Justices Alito, Sotomayor, Kennedy and Breyer voted to have it removed. Breaking with his traditional vow of silence, Justice Thomas remarked during oral arguments that based on his understanding of the goings-on during the summer on the Outer Banks, an “X” rating was appropriate while Justice Sotomayor said that she had actually visited the Outer Banks and found it to have a “family friendly” atmosphere to which an “X” rating did not apply.
Kim Kardashian (no relation) the manager at Xavier’s “Got Your Nuts” store said that her boss will likely drown his sorrows in bourbon and then get back to work. She indicated the store has no intention of altering its own merchandising to incorporate the “OBX” moniker and will continue to sell only OBGYN t-shirts and bumper stickers to patrons.
“If you want any of that OBX crap, go to Wings,” Kardashian said.