Yesterday afternoon, Dexter Gillespie and Sherman Anderson were arrested on charges of public mortal combat last Monday after the two came to blows over who could claim a rare Blastoise Pokemon found behind Jockey’s Ridge in Nags Head. Nags Head Police arrived on the scene to find the men sprawled in the sand, exhausted, after their seven second slugfest.
Incidents of Pokemon Go players duking it out over difficult-to-find Pokemon characters like Aerodactyl and Snorlax have increased 100% since the release of the popular game. Nags Head Police spokesman Uma Thuman said that the violence has stretched their department’s resources to capacity.
“We get a crazy number of calls about these Nerd Rage incidents. These guys fight in beach accesses, people’s yards, and in the waiting area of local restaurants. They fall out and become a hazard to pedestrian and vehicular traffic, so our officers have to deal with them. The Chief has asked me to relay that, contrary to rumors, there is NOT a Ditto Pokemon in his office.”
Local Doctor Expresses Concern
Dr. L. McCoy has been a pediatrician for 20 years. He has seen fads come and go that have posed a risk to his patients (he cites “Heely’s” and “Crocs” as two of the more harmful in recent memory) but Pokemon Go has reached new levels of danger.
“Look, for the last 6 or 7 years these kids have been sitting in a basement playing World of Warcraft or Call of Duty. Their fingers are in great shape. The rest of them, not so much. Suddenly, they’re out running around looking for digital creatures in every imaginable nook and cranny and they are simply not up to the task physically.”
Meniscus tears, dislocated shoulders and Achilles injuries now pile up in Dr. McCoy’s waiting room on a daily basis. He says parents should encourage their kids to start slow with physical activity, perhaps climbing the stairs or cleaning their rooms, before playing Pokemon Go.
“Those kids on Jockey’s Ridge yesterday, I’m amazed they made it to the top,” said Dr. McCoy. “Besides having a criminal record, I’d bet they are recovering from a nasty case of sunstroke.”