North Carolina’s days as the “Tar Heel State” may be coming to an end if petroleum giant ExxonMobile’s plans to introduce sand fracturing, commonly known as “sakking,” are approved by the General Assembly.
That dark colored sand seen while walking along the beach comes primarily from oil that has either escaped naturally from the under the sea floor or is the result of spills and leak from oil tankers. While the stuff is spread over a large area and does not form the unsightly “tar balls” common on the “Gross Coasts” of Louisiana, Florida and Texas, there is still plenty of it along Dare County’s beaches.
In 2015, sensing a sea of profits right under their feet, researchers with ExxonMobile developed sand fracturing as a method to remove oil trapped in beach sand. It is generally considered a safe by people who don’t actually live at the beach. The upsides of sakking are that the process leaves behind pristine beaches, provides much needed energy independence from Canada and creates jobs. The downside is that some of the components needed to create the sakking separation enzyme (E-88) are controversial, none more so than the main ingredient of intraocular fluid from dolphins.
“Intraocular fluid, or as most people would call it ‘eyeball juice’ is vital to the production of E-88, which we use to separate the oil from the sand,” explained ExxonMobile chief vivisectionist, Dr. Harold Shipman. “Fortunately, as dolphins primarily rely on sonar to hunt and mate, they are not terribly inconvenienced by losing their sight. The extraction process is minimally painful.”
Presently sakking is not permitted in North Carolina. The legislature narrowly failed to override Governor Roy Cooper’s veto of a bill that would allow sand fracturing operations to begin this year. Dare County residents are regionally split on the proposal with near universal disapproval south of the Duck/Southern Shores town line and near unanimous approbation in Duck itself.
“I don’t see a problem with it,” said Mrs. Teresa Applemann of the Port Trinitie subdivision in Duck. “Heck, once they do that sonar thing looking for oil offshore there are going to be plenty of dead dolphins floating around in the ocean. Why let them go to waste?”
Matt Stalker with the Nerfherder’s Association has a different, well-reasoned view.
“I can’t believe we’re having this conversation again. E-88 has caused rectal cancer in 78% of lab mice exposed to it. Using it on our beaches would kill our billion-dollar a year tourist industry. Sakking would only provide enough energy to meet this country’s needs for 9 ½ weeks. Meanwhile, you’d have to harvest the eyes of over one million bottlenose dolphins to produce enough E-88 to extract that oil. It would decimate the population leading to a total collapse of the ecosystem within 10 years.”
Dr. Shipman said Mr. Stalker’s statements were based on “fake news” and derided him as an “AOC loving socialist” on Twitter.
“Clearly the public debate is over and, as usual, I have won,” said Dr. Shipman.